Should I Really Publish That?

Exercises in audacity.

MotherJana

July 31, 2020

Baby Cheesecake,

This morning I was remembering what drew me to my ex-husband. I was remembering because I’ve been making these videos that at times feel quite risqué to me, and I’m finding my edges, and others’ edges’, too, and that is a scary process, and will always be.

So I was thinking about how the thing that drew me to my ex-husband was his willingness, in writing, to talk about the edges, the problems, the pitfalls that could hold us back in our lives.

Each Friday in college, I would go to the library, sign in and sit down at a big computer, and I would read that guy’s weekly column. He was a thoughtful writer, punchy, self-effacing. No one else’s words popped off the page like his did. And I enjoyed the way he criticized conventions, and gave me hope, and also kindled in me a bit of a flame.

Last year, that flame inside me grew into a thriving fire. I was all sparked up after years of feeling repressed. Stories and videos started pouring out of me, and while I was scared to exercise my voice in such a way, I also felt like the luckiest person in the world, to have gone through the things I’d gone through and come out onto the other side, into this wellspring of creativity. I came face to face with my shadows and my demons, and I battled them fiercely, and what I found on the other side was a sense of rootedness, happiness, joy and stability within, despite any external pitfalls that came my way.

I woke up in the dark mornings and danced around my kitchen, full of love.

And I haven’t stopped making, creating. I am recording all of these delightful little storytelling theatre pieces for my podcast channel (BOOKMARK IT!), and I keep making videos when the spirit moves me (SUBSCRIBE!), and I’m writing books and poetry.

I feel wonderfully alive, during a time when many people feel dead inside.

Do you think I could be doing something right, dear?

Sometimes I am on calls with stoic people and I think, Ooh, maybe I should be like that, too. Perhaps I should get quiet for a good long while and follow rules and be sensible again.

And then I’ll have a conversation with a person, or two people, or three, and I hear how everyone is so angry, and simmering, and feels powerless, and full of despair. And we know we need to unify in some way, and make this world better, but we don’t know how, because we’re so isolated, and inundated with news of corruption, and we don’t know how to connect authentically because our days are spent scrolling and numb, and everybody is retreating into caves inside themselves of exhaustion, and PEOPLE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THEY’LL BE ALIVE in another month.

What annoys me about people is their complacency, their unwillingness to commit to anything that would unite and bring fire of renewal. What annoys me is when people complain, and they don’t take it upon themselves to organize or do anything.

I am frustrated by lazy people, and those who are money-obsessed, and people held back by fear, who remain silent during times we need wise, vibrant voices.

So I’m not shutting up, even when it seems like people don’t want to listen. I mean, I’m in good company, with writers and artists who shared their wisdom and talent, their audacity and beauty, but died before anyone knew their names.

By the way, my name is Jana Rose. Say it out loud. It feels nice on your tongue.

The video I’m sharing here was scary for me a couple of days ago. I watched it and I felt I was trudging through all these sticky waters, calling in and also defying archetypes, and I thought I seemed a bit angry, too, and not nice.

But the other day, I looked up the root word for “nice,” and found out it means “ignorant.”

So maybe I won’t be so nice anymore. I’ll focus on kind. Kindness is bigger, and vaster, and it recognizes the wisdom inside you.

Anyway, darling, I’m here if you want to bond together and make the world new. I think it would be ideal if we could meet around a fire in a field full of trees, under the moon, or something. But you just let me know what you’re up for!

ALSO, STOP BEING A ROBOT AND LISTEN!

Hugs,

MotherJana


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